| oh boy |
[Jan. 23rd, 2009|11:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | basement room 2 | ] |
| [ | i feel... |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | i hear... |
| | midnight train to georgia | ] |
I just became ACLS certified. woop.
I am definitely in a rut lately... my life seems to be ups and downs consisting of rut or no rut time periods. I hate the ruts, and I usually end up doing something completely stupid to relieve the sensation of merely existing and not living.
I'm just so sick of planning for the future and not acting on the plans. I know its important to prepare but sometimes it just takes too long! I am impulsive by nature and to smother that instinct is very difficult and creates turmoil inside myself.
I am so sick of the women at my work. Especially the women that work on the night shift. I walk in and I don't want to be there, and when I leave I just never want to go back. I've definitely had my fill, but continue to stuff myself with it. as much as the place sucks and the people drive me crazy, it's a lot better than what I'd have to deal with anywhere else... or at least thats what i tell myself to help me get through these next couple of months.
Months. MONTHS. gah. that sounds so long! |
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| *stretches* |
[Sep. 30th, 2008|09:09 pm] |
I have been going to school full time, and working full time. I am tired full time.
I have been off my medication for about a month now. I suddenly realize that I get VERY nervous frequently, however, I have more energy in general, so I suppose it just makes sense that a lot of it would be nervous energy. I also notice that things are somehow... crisper. I feel more like myself. It feels good.
I hate political discussions. I hate sharing my opinions or views with others. No wonder why people think it's a private matter who you're voting for, because DAMN people will burn you if you vote for someone THEY don't think should be the president. and my GOD how STUPID can you be??
Whatever... Obama is the man for me. I would rather eat dirt than have palin in anything but a post office, and even that's pushing it.
i have to write a paper and i am totally putting it off. I find out tomorrow how I did on my cultural anthropology test, which I'm pretty sure I bombed in a big way. |
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| the cons |
[Feb. 27th, 2008|09:49 am] |
I have been working a lot of overtime lately. My entire life seems to be centered around my job, and I'm thankful that I love it so much that I don't mind. Last night was my fourth day in a row, and when the next shift came on they realized they were short. I offered to stay and take a new admission. I ended up working a double. On the way home I was exhausted and ready to pass out, excited that I would have three days off in a row and I could really concentrate on leisure. The only thing is that now I feel almost empty, I feel as though there is nothing keeping me awake. I fear that I'm not a good enough nurse. I'm terrified that when I'm gone, people are discovering mistakes that I've made that I have no idea about. I realized just now that it's becuase I love this job more than anything I've ever loved before, and a single mistake can take it away from me. I've made small mistakes before, they've been caught and handled... like not checking the vancomycin trough before hanging a dose. I go over and over in my head to make sure that everything I have done is documented and monitored.
There is one woman that was admitted this weekend that has bipolar, depression, and anxiety. I'd say she is also a stage II alzheimers patient. She was on so many psych drugs that it caused her to become confused, and she was admitted to the hospital with a pelvic abcess. The woman is at a loss because she can't concentrate on tv or reading, she can't walk that well and she forgets things. I can't imagine what it would be like to not be able to enjoy the things that you enjoy, or be able to express yourself, and know that you are slowly declining in cognition. I spent hours talking to her and trying to make her feel better, and sometimes I just stayed in her room and sat down with her, watching her take her dentures out and brush them. I'll never, ever forget what she said to me while I was in that room.
I don't know how you can do it.
Do what?
Be a nurse... but not only a nurse, be so super-efficent and a sense of humor, too.. it's just... i can't understand it. How can you do it?
I love it.
You love it? *laughing in disbelief* How can you love being around all these sick people? Cleaning up their vomit and diarrhea?
Because they can't do it for themselves, and everyone needs help every once in a while.
THen she just stood there for a minute, her constricted pupils in her brillantly blue eyes concentrated on a space slightly next to me, and said.
It helps to have someone else in the room with me. It makes me feel safe, not so scared. It was the same when *insert name of her visitor* was here. Of course, only if the person is pleasant... You're very pleasant to have around.
Thank you.
She got back into bed and lied there, I helped her get tucked in.
What am I going to do when you're off tomorrow? You're not back until Saturday! How am I going to make it through this?
You'll be fine... you just have to work on getting better.
How can I get better? My mind is the problem... i can't fix it, it's only going to get worse.
At this point her eyes started to well up with tears and the only thing I could do was hug her, because I certainly couldn't lie and say that she would regain her mental status. She held me so tight, and her fear was palpable. I feel as though I tried to transfer that negative energy out of her, and take it into me... but that's not possible to do.
She was so scared about the people that would be taking care of her, so scared that she wouldn't be cared for properly. When I finally left her room, I felt like I just wanted to pull a cot up and sleep in the room with her, just to give her some piece of mind. Some serenity for one night so she could get some rest... but the awful thing with Alzheimers is that there IS no rest, there is no serenity. It is a disease that lingers for years, and torments. All i can picture is her blue eyes filled with tears, and all i can feel is pain and regret that I can care for her, but not cure her. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 13th, 2008|08:28 pm] |
| [ | i feel... |
| |  lonely | ] |
It's Valentine's Day tomorrow. I realized this today because its the first day I've been able to watch tv for awhile and there are about a zillion commercials advertising it. I'm happy that I've been so busy I don't have time to think about how lonely I am. Except now I am thinking about it. I'm glad I'm working overtime tomorrow so that I won't have to be home and not with someone.
For the most part, I'm happy. I'm busy and stressed and I feel like everything is chaotic, but I'm happy. I keep pushing toward this future vision I have and honestly the most important thing in my life is my career. The best thing to ever happen to me was anti-depressants, and I'm happy that there was no one there to help me through it. If there was, I'd probably lean on them for everything. I wished so badly for someone during those really hard times, but now I know that I can handle so much more than I thought I could. I don't NEED anyone. I'm scared that one day I might, and the same old thing will happen.
In other news; I'm going to visit miriah in march and I've been working overtime to make some extra spending money. I want it to be really lavish and relaxing, since we'll be by the beach. I want to get a hotel on the beach, and even though it won't be nice enough to lie out on the sand, I at least want to take a walk along the shore. I also want to visit New Orleans and see the French Quarter and go to a gay bar. I don't know why, but man i love transvestites. Not for attractiveness obviously, I prefer manly men, but their energy is unmatched.
I am not looking forward to flying because I absolutely hate it, so I'm going to see my MD and am MAKING her prescribe me xanax. They may be short lived but Ativan and Trazadone do not make me fall asleep. And I want to be snoozing through any and all turbulence to avoid a stroke and/or seizure. The last time I flew down there some poor old man had to talk me through all the bumps. And I HATE crowded flights. And little planes. I'm paying about two hundred dollars more so I can fly in the big planes, although I can't find a direct flight no matter how much I try. That means two take off's and two landings. She's lucky I love her!
Thats pretty much it I guess... I better go to bed or else I'll be running late in the morning and that means I can't enjoy a cup of coffee on my drive in, and that leads to a cranky nicole. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 23rd, 2008|12:56 am] |
I can't fall asleep.
I have a guilty pleasure. The Bad Girls Club on the Oxygen channel. I friggin love that show! It's the embodiment of everything that is wrong with women in america today, and it's completely entertaining.
I mean, if the whole world were not only full of these people, but made up of these people, it would basically be Hell. Maybe this bad behavior is a form of evolution to which each generation must sacrifice people to. Maybe next generation these things will be completely acceptable and even more taboo situations will arise. There's that saying that goes something like the father of invention is necessity. Maybe all these young people are bored and they crave excitement and because so many things have been done they invent ridiculous new things to create purpose in their life. I dunno... maybe I am just in a zen-like mental state because I woke up at the crack of dawn and worked twelve hours with crazy people.
Oh, speaking of work... despite crazy antics it was a really good day. I swear, for every one good day at work, there are five bad ones to follow. But just the hope of a good day is enough motivation to get me back into the hospital.
I have a patient that I don't think I will ever forget. I absolutely love her, and it's the most peculiar thing because she's needy and crazy. usually the two are not good together becuase they repeatedly ask for the most useless things. or they just continue to ask for apple sauce and graham crackers when their drawers are full of them.... but I find her so endearing and precious. Plus, she knows she's crazy because half the time after she makes a silly request she'll laugh at herself. She also says things like, "Oh man... I don't know what i'm talking about anymore!" It's like seeing glimpses of the person through the smoke screen that is their illness. But I even like the smoke screen. I'm really going to miss her when she's back at home, but I know thats the best thing for her. I'm hoping she'll at least still be there this weekend so I can say good bye to her. I wanted to get her a card.
I also really like her because one day she was in the middle of telling me this story and then blurted out, "Hey! are you a gemini?!?" and of course the incident when she asked the MD for ecstacy. Oh man... I freakin' love her.
I feel really bad because i like my new cat a lot more than i like my old cat. She's so much more affectionate and she loves to be picked up and pet. Plus when I talk to her she'll meow back at me after everything I say. LOVE it! The other day I woke up and she was sleeping on my back. Yesterday i woke up and she was curled around my leg. I love the cuddles. I call her honey bear.
Oh no, i really dont' want to be the crazy cat lady!!!
My mum and I watched The Millionaire matchmaker tonight. All I know is that my mother said, "whatever... he could just go home and beat off!" and I was done. I do like how the woman was so brutally honest. "You'll end up being the old guy in the nursing home who hits on the nurse because there's no one left." SO true!
I start school tomorrow. I didn't even get my books yet. I hate not being prepared. I know its the first class but that is no excuse. Directly after classes I'm going to purchase my books. Gah.
I really have nothing left to say, I guess. besides i'm cold and I'm happy that its the full moon. it'd be better if it was a new moon, since I'm starting something new... but a full moon is a good second.
oh! I printed out about four hundred pictures because I'm scrapbooking like a dork now... i'm so excited! I love the photo printer that I got because the pictures come out so crisp and perfect.
Okay that's it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 18th, 2008|08:45 pm] |
 I am starting undergraduate school on tuesday... obviously late in the year, but I wanted to get some of my pre-reqs out of the way earlier.
I have done five loads of laundry today. I really have to stop buying new clothes when I run out of clean ones to wear. Who does that?! Although I'm getting really aggravated with the fact that I buy new socks constantly, and I only have six pairs that match. I finally threw out all the single socks and I just know that now I'll find their mates.
I keep investigating places I want to move to. I know I want to uproot for a few years but I just can't wrap my brain around where. I want it to be somewhere warm, and somewhere that has a college that I would like to attend, but aside from that, I don't really have any deciding factors. I always said I wanted to start over somewhere new, but when it comes down to it, it scares me! Eich.
I have become obsessed with saving money. Now that I've actually been able to do it, it's an addiction. I have bought a few things today, like a new purse (it's so cute!) and a new pair of shoes, and I took my family out to dinner at Ruby Tuesdays and bought some books.... but that didn't even put a dent in the moolah situation. It's surprising that I'm able to save any money at all when I love to go shopping so much, but I think the key is to stay long enough in the store to re-evaluate my items. If I stay there long enough, I'll put most of it back.
I've already started christmas shopping, because... well I don't know I guess I'm just obsessed. I would just like to have everything all done with my the start of novemeber, so that I will never have to go into a store during christmas time ever again in my life.
I'm so bored tonight. I should be in bed already because I have to work tomorrow, but I can't sleep. I don't want to watch tv or read or talk to anyone... I just don't know what to do. Meh. so I've been looking up places to go on vacation. again, I can't decide. I would love to see Ireland and Italy, but I'd also like to go to Finland and Aruba.
I'm rambling. I don't feel like rambling anymore. |
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| *rock fist* |
[Oct. 29th, 2007|10:02 pm] |
Working nights messes up my biorhythms. But it's nice for my bank account!
I have started two IV's at work. Both on the first stick. Drawing blood is cool and everything, but starting an IV is the balls. My preceptor, we'll call him "Todd" was in the room with me when I inserted my very first one. After which I looked at him and stated, "I'm a rock star!". He nodded, high-fived me and replied, "We [nurses] all are."
ain't it the truth!
So my boys won. I'm pissed because I won't be in Boston tomorrow, but there's nothing I can do about it so i might as well not dwell. It just sucks because a friend is going and of course continues to taunt me about meeting my favorite players. Especially Lester. Oooh I love lester. and Kielty. The red hair does me in!!
But as for now, I have off until Thursday. Quiet, relaxing and hopefully drinking and having a good time. January will come too soon, and its back to school for me. I better make good use of all this extra time I have on my hands. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 9th, 2007|09:00 pm] |
Since I have been 25 I have gotten two flat tires. Saturday night on the highway, and then tonight on an ass back-ward-road straight out of a horror movie. I have lost $100, and when I was cleaning the cat litter the bag full o' cat poop and peeps broke and dumped on my feet.
Also, Prison Break sucks so far this season. I am not impressed.
However, work is going very, very well. :-) |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 30th, 2007|10:24 pm] |
Working is good. Working 12 hour shifts is surprisingly not bad at all. The hospital has some great patients and I'm learning so much! Most of them are on ventilators and trach's, nearly all have g-tubes. It sucks for them, and I feel so bad... but it's a wonderful experience for me. I've already learned more than I have in all my clinicals put together.
As an LPN, I wasn't trained how to start IV's or draw blood, but most places will offer a training class so you can learn, which I'm doing. This place also is offering an ACLS class so i can learn to intubate!! Crazy. How rock star is that? (very!)
My other job is at a nursing home and so far I haven't learned anything except how to deal with bitchy nurses. Half the time I just want to tell them to go fuck themselves. Actually, all the time. Now I know what all my teachers were trying to teach me about being too sensitive. Apparently its written somehow, somewhere on my body for all emotional gluttons to devour. Fresh meat, if you will.
I'm way overdue for my period, and since the last time I had sex was almost a year ago, I can only imagine that my body is reacting to the not-enough-sleep-and-constant-running-around pattern that has become my life. I hate waiting for it, especially when I know my body is getting ready for it. I am PMSing so bad. Constant headaches that make my mouth taste like copper, cramping stomach, nausea and my lower back and legs are all achy. Ugh. If I didn't want five kids I'd have a bilateral salpingectomy and oophorectomy so I could be pain free and get menopause over with already.
I feel old. I'm turning 25 on Friday. TWENTY FIVE! I was so freaked out about it that I died my hair for the first time in my entire life yesterday. I'm almost thirty! I still live in my parent's basement!!! |
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| 1st day of work as a nurse |
[Sep. 15th, 2007|12:25 am] |
| [ | i feel... |
| |  happy | ] |
I would crucify jesus myself for a foot rub. they huuuurt. I've never ran around more in my life.
i love it. :-) |
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| luck of the irish-italian!! |
[Sep. 11th, 2007|08:30 pm] |
I didn't have to wait very long for my additional per diem job... i started it today! It's a place closer to my house and the rate is excellent. They are willing to orient me on 3-11 and work in my orientation around my permanent job schedule. I'm going to try to get Wednesdays off.. or another day but as long as I have one day off a week I'll be fine.
finally. *relieved sigh* |
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| woo hoo!! |
[Aug. 28th, 2007|09:34 pm] |
I got a job at a hospital in Boston (well, technically Brighton)!!! I am so excited I can't even EXPRESS it.
The pay is not that great compared to what I could make in a nursing home, but the experience will no doubt prove to be far more rewarding in the long run. Acute, special and intensive care! After about six months I will be able to pick up a per diem shift without having to go through the long orientation for a new nurse, and that will help with the money situation. AAHHH! This is just too surreal for me!
I could literally cry I am so happy! |
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| anniversary |
[Aug. 10th, 2007|05:23 pm] |
| [ | i feel... |
| | sad | ] |
One year ago today, my Zia Anna died. At this time last year, I was driving down to see her on her death bed, and by the time i arrived, she was already in a coma. Just after it turned dark, she passed away. Her whole family was around her; her daughters, son and husband, her sisters and her nieces and nephews. I remember her deep, slow breathes as she lay in her bed, I was watching her face as she gasped the last breathe she would ever have. Skinnier than I've ever seen her before, her skin soft as always.. her hands...
She was so beautiful. She was so kind, and so good. Butterflies used to land on her fingers when she would hold them out.
I miss her so much.
Edit
My cousin, her daughter, has a voice mail that is over a year old on her cell phone. I heard it tonight, and heard her voice for the first time in over a year. It hurt so much, but it was so wonderful at the same time. My mother and I spent the night with her daughters, and I'll see everyone in the family today... to celebrate my graduation and passing the boards. I can feel that she is so proud of me, but I just wish she were here so I could hold her one more time.
There has never been a death that has affected me as much as hers. Both of my grandparents, uncles, and friends... I have never been more completely heart broken before. I feel like I am missing an important part of my life, and I think that it hurts so much more to see her daughters and son without their mother. To love people so much and know they are incomplete, and will always be.
Time is a fair-weathered friend...It doesn't heal this wound.
I wrote this poem for her after she passed away... it's in Italian and it doesn't translate to English very well... but I really like it. It conveys everything perfectly.
la mia zia Anna
ha raggiunto il limite uno può avere della bellezza in questa vita
ed è andato ad un altro
La mia soltanto speranza è che vedrò la luce che la ha illuminata in su occhi
guardandolo dalla faccia di una persona che non conosco
la mia zia bella~ Anna,
possono le memorie di questa vita che possedete il resto nella pace |
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| pain |
[Aug. 7th, 2007|12:02 am] |
I took my state boards... and I should get my result today. I'm so nervous. I thought maybe at 12:01 i would get the results, but alas... I need to wait until the morning.
Son of a bitch!
Edit
I passed :-) Now, time to find a job! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 20th, 2007|12:04 pm] |
I have been trying to find a place for my cat to go for the past two days. I took her to the MSPCA, thinking they wouldn't put her down, and they basically told me they would in a few days. I started crying hysterically and walked out, with her. There is NO way I could do that. I went to the humane society but they were closed. My mother is completely freaking out, but I just can't bring her somewhere where I know they'll put her down. It breaks my heart, especially since she's not sick, she's just difficult. I mean, thats just not right!
I have my date scheduled for the state boards. I'm very, very nervous. I haven't even picked up a book to study in a week, and at this point I figure if I fail, I deserve it. It's just so hot and muggy I can't think, and I have no motivation. All I want to do is sleep and swim. Ahhh, if only. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 3rd, 2007|08:31 pm] |
| [ | i hear... |
| | miles davis- i fall in love too easily | ] |
I graduated. woo.
I quit smoking. This is Day 3. Words can not express the hatred I have for cigarettes. I want one- no- I CRAVE one, and it makes me hate them! *sighs* How could I have ever been so stupid?
Well, I'm here now and there's nothing I can do about it. I've been eating CONSTANTLY, brushing my teeth CONSTANTLY, and thankfully it is getting better. I have cleaned every room in the house, vacuum and scrubbed. I have completely flipped out on everyone and I'm being so mean. But, I figure all will be forgiven if I continue to abstain from that which I desire. Also, I keep coughing up the most disgusting mucus. It feels good to let it out. Almost like I'm cleaning my alveoli and bronchioles. *thumbs up*
So. I have no money and no gas. I have been home-bound. I am going crazy. After ten months of running around like a mad woman, I'm sitting at home doing nothing. Sleeping. I spent two hours today lying in my bed, staring at my ceiling, listening to miles davis. I worried that I was getting depressed, but I'm just really, really BORED. I went to barnes and noble the other day and picked up a few nursing books and tried to read them, but I couldn't sit still long enough due to the nicotine fit I was having. I found a book that I want SO badly, but it's seventy dollars and not on amazon. go figure.
I drove down to Salem with my mum this weekend. I visited the college and basically tortured myself a little bit. We drove around to check out the area, and its very nice. I can't wait to move there; this year is not going to go fast enough. My mother was oohing and ahhing over the surrounding area, especially at Marblehead. It is nice, but I can only imagine the kind of snobs that must live there. blech. I'd much rather live in a cute little house and vacation somewhere like that than live there all the time.
I have to take Cultural Anthropology, intro to psychology and intro to chemistry. Looking forward to it except for the last. I know things are different now, but I had the hardest time with Chem in high school. I just hope I get it this time around.
They need to make cigarettes that are made with like... vitamins and minerals. Like.. apple and peach peels wrapped in paper. *cries* |
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| I'm a nurse |
[Jun. 20th, 2007|11:59 pm] |
| [ | i feel... |
| |  enthralled | ] |
| [ | i hear... |
| | HIM- Wicked Game | ] |
I'm a nurse. I'm a nurse I'm a nursenursenurse!!
I've never been this proud of myself. NEVER! I have accomplished a goal that scared the shit out of me. I'M FUCKING AWESOME! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 15th, 2007|10:32 pm] |
This is my last clinical weekend. My last day of class is Wednesday, and I have the last three tests in my classes that will determine if I pass or fail.
I have so many emotions inside of me that I can't even begin to explain them. This was the hardest thing I've ever done, and it has changed me so much. My life will never be the same, regardless of if I pass or fail. No matter which way things go... I am so happy I endured these past ten months. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 5th, 2007|10:44 pm] |
| [ | i feel... |
| |  discontent | ] |
There are some moments that are just perfect. Where everything that has been shaken, settles. All that has been lost, is found. Everything is in its place, and you don't have anything to look for. Rest comes easily, friends are near, love is felt.
There are times that need nothing else, are utterly complete.
This is not one of those times. |
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| I found my niche! |
[May. 15th, 2007|11:38 pm] |
I think a big part of my terror was the fact that I loved nursing, but didn't know WHERE I wanted to work. Med-Surg is great and everything, and I would like to work there, but it didn't excite me very much. Pedi depressed me. But tonight... I found it.
Yesterday was the first day of my maternity rotation. It was orientation, so it was really, really boring. Today was a completely different story.
I went to labor and delivery, and was there for seven minutes before being brought into a room and observing a birth. Incredible! That's the only thing to describe it. Incredible. Fascinating. Awesome. Everything about it had me completely in awe.
Walked out of that room, got pulled into another. This one wasn't as quick, so I got to see the progression. AMAZING. I left and literally felt like I was floating. I almost got to see a C-section but we ran out of time, and they certainly couldn't speed things up for us.
The only downfall is that I was standing in one spot for HOURS and my feet are killing me! I have to remember to bring aleve with me because I was in agony. My feet right now are throbbing.
I knew in Med-Surg that I had a pull towards the real knitty gritty of nursing. The wounds and the operations were my favorite part. Especially the wounds. Why? I don't know, I guess I'm just sick like that. I have this.. fascination with the body, and what it can do. There is nothing more incredible. Nothing.
Watching child birth was amazing. It was so much like the movie, but then nothing like it at the same time. How can you explain what it feels like to watch a baby's head crowing in its mother? How can you convey the excitement of seeing a brand new face, one that has never touched the air before? Of hearing their first cry, of witnessing their first breath? It is so amazing.
Something has just clicked, and I KNOW. That's where I want to be. That's where I'm going.
p.s on the way home, I slightly ran over an animal in the road. I felt SO bad, especially because I thought it was a cat. So I turned around and pulled over to it. I have no idea what kind of animal it was, but it was definitely not a cat. I stayed there for like five minutes trying to "talk" it into going into the woods, because i was afraid it would get run over again! It tried, but that's when I realized that it was just totally smushed on its legs. It kept trying to "army" crawl, and pull itself by its front legs. It was so sad, and it was so cute.
I ended up going to the police station and telling them about it. They told me they'd send an animal service to help it. I wanted to go back to it, but I realized that there is nothing I could have done for it. It could have had rabies, so I was NOT going to touch it. But I wanted to. I wanted to go to it and comfort it, because it was certainly going to die.
Is it sick that I thought of running it over again? It was in so much misery and pain... you could tell because it was breathing so heavy. And who is going to keep a wild animal as a pet and take care of it? I couldn't run it over though. That's why I went to the police station. Hopefully whoever gets there will take care of it. :-( |
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